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A Vampyre Legacy

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A Vampyre Legacy

Post by WaywardWiccan on Thu 20 Jan 2011, 11:59 pm

So I'm working on a story right now. I haven't finished with the first part yet. But I thought I'd put some stuff about it on here and get some feedback. Tell me what you think...

A Vampyre Legacy
Set in Blackwell, Oklahoma in 2011

Isadora Cromwell (25)
Mix-Breed ~ Bottom of Social Hierarchy
Daughter of Silver Cromwell and Giles. Born in 1986

Silver Cromwell (48)
Witch ~ Lower of Social Hierarchy
Mother of Isadora and lover of Giles. Murdered by Kalabar. Born in 1963.

Giles (319)
Vampyre High Council ~ Norwella
Lover of Silver and father of Isadora. Born in 1692.

Damien (30/222)
Vampyre ~ Middle of Social Hierarchy
Lover of Isadora. Teaches her the ways of the Vampyre. Born in 1759 and turned (against his will by Kalabar) in 1789 (at the age of 30).

Kalabar (age unknown)
Myzorian ~ Outcast of Social Hierarchy
Former member of the Norwella until he turned a human (Damien) against his will. Murdered Silver Cromwell.

Janice Benoit (26)
Human ~ Lower of Social Hierarchy
Best friend of Isadora. Born in 1985.

Cordelia Silver Cromwell
Daughter of Isadora and Damien. Born in 2011.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vampyre Goddesses

Donna
Mother of Amara and Annette

Annette
Oldest daughter of Donna. Turned evil after her younger sister was granted the privilege of being the mother of all Vampyres. Now whispers into the mind of all Myzorians to turn away from Amara.

Amara
Youngest daughter of Donna. Granted the privilege of being the mother of all Vampyres.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Social Hierarchy

Upper Class (High Council) - Norwella
Middle Class (Vampyres)
Lower Class (Humans/Witches)
Bottom Class (Mix-Breed)
Outcasts - Myzorian

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vampyre Traits

Skin - Abnormally pale and hard as diamond. Vampyre teeth are the only thing that can pierce it.

Eyes - Glow green when jealous, angry, and feeling lust.

Teeth - Hard as diamond. Come out when jealous angry, and feeling lust. When older can make them appear at will.

Non-Lethal
----------

Sunlight (sunburns and weakens)
Silver (weakens)
Wooden Stakes (if in the heart it weakens if not they can brush it off)
Crosses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Religion

All worship Donna and/or Amara
Myzorians worship Annette

Rituals are commonplace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vampyre Laws

1) Do not turn a witch/human against his/her will.

2) Do not associate with Myzorians.

3) Do not kill for any reason other than punishment as handed down by the Norwella.

4) Do not worship Annette.

5) Do not make yourself known to all humans.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other Tidbits
------------

Humans do not know about Witches or Vampyres. Those who do must keep quiet.

Witches know of Vampyres (and vice-versa). Relationships between the 2 are commonplace. Though any children born unto them are lower than all socially.

When a Vampyre reaches the age of 25 (either born or turned) they receive their first tattoo (the symbol of the Goddess Amara). Because their skin is so hard they needle must be diamond tipped. And because they heal so quickly and they don't scar the ink must have diamond shavings in it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well what do you guys think? Any suggestions??
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Re: A Vampyre Legacy

Post by Tolly12bells on Fri 21 Jan 2011, 6:45 pm

Wow. Sounds really awesome thus far. Hope to read the first part soon. ^.^

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Re: A Vampyre Legacy

Post by WaywardWiccan on Sat 22 Jan 2011, 1:06 am

Well thanks! And you are in luck! As I have finished the first Chapter as of like 10 minutes ago lol. Kinda short but here goes pale (I'm so nervous!):

Chapter 1 - Birthday Surprise

She awoke to the sun shining brightly through her curtains. She rolled over in disgust. Another year come and gone. She tried to go back to sleep but she couldn’t. With a groan she rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

The person staring back at her didn’t look any different now than she had over the past three years. Shoulder length, straight black hair with natural purple streaks (which most thought was her way of trying to rebel), baby blue eyes, and a smooth pale complexion. With a sigh, she ran her hand through her hair and turned to go downstairs.

Halfway down, the doorbell rang, and she ran the rest of the way.

“Coming!”

She opened the door and a short woman with graying hair smiled at her.

“Merry Meet, my daughter.”

“Merry Meet, mother,” she said before giving her a big hug.

She invited her inside, and after grabbing a soda for herself, she plopped down on the couch.

“Happy Birthday, Isadora,” the woman stated with a smile as she handed over a box wrapped in purple paper.

“Aw, mom, you really didn’t have to do this,” Isadora said as she took box and set down her drink.

She undid the black ribbon and opened the box. Inside was a large black leather bound book. Engraved on the front in silver were the words Isadora Cromwell.

“Oh, mom, it’s beautiful!” She said as she took it out carefully. She opened the book and ran her hand across the beautifully hand-made ivory paper. It took her a second to realize that her mom had written something on the inside cover.

My dear Isadora,

Today is your twenty-fifth year on this Earth. Every day, I thank the Goddess Donna for giving you to me. I give you today this book. Your very own Book of Shadows. Protect it and it will protect you.

Love,
Your mother
Silver Cromwell

With a tear in her eye, she hugged her mom tightly.

“Mom, it’s perfect. Thank you.”

“Yes, it is quite beautiful, Silver.”

Jumping up from her seated position, Isadora glared at the man who had suddenly appeared in her living room.

“Who the hell are you?” Isadora growled.

He raised a black eyebrow at her before turning to her mom.

“Silver, why didn’t you tell her?” he asked her, in an accent she couldn’t quite place. Egyptian? Not likely. English? Maybe.

“I didn’t want this for her, Giles. Why are you here?”

“I believe I have a right to see my daughter on her birthday.”

Daughter? Isadora thought before she fell back onto the couch as her jaw dropped.

“Damnit, Giles! I never wanted her to know!” Silver yelled. Her face becoming flushed.

“She has a right to know what’s coursing through her veins, my dear Silver.” This guy must have had balls of steel to stand up to her mother when she was this angry.

Finally finding her voice, Isadora stood once again. “Who are you? And don’t lie to me.”

“I am Giles. Former lover of Silver Cromwell and father of Isadora Cromwell. Is there anything else? Hmm let me think. What was it? Oh yes. I’m a Vampyre.”

“Vampyre? There’s no such thing. Yeah, okay maybe you had a relationship with my mother, but you are NOT my father,” she ended with a yell.

“Look at me, and know the truth,” he said as he took a step forward and let his hands, that had previously been crossed across his chest, fall to his sides.

His eyes were brown. No resemblance there. Roughly 6 foot tall. Ok that could be a coincidence. Hair...

“Is your hair natural?” she asked with a hopeful look.

“Oh, the purple? Yes, it is quite natural.”

Her face fell. “You…you really are… my father?”

She turned to face her mom. Silver was sitting on the couch with her head in her hands.

Isadora sat back down and tried to collect her thoughts.

“Silver, you must listen to me,” Giles said as he sat on the coffee table in front of her.

They both looked up at him, and Silver cleared her throat before asking what.

“Kalabar is back.”

Silver’s face fell, and a look of worry, anger, and disgust crossed her face.

“Who’s Kalabar?” Isadora asked after a few minutes of tense silence.

“Kalabar is an ancient Vampyre,” Giles stated matter-of-factly.

“Ok?”

Her mom turned to her with a somber look.

“He’s a murderer,” Giles stated again.

“Ok? And what does this have to do with my mother?”

Silver turned away once again. She sighed and stated, “He wants to kill me.”
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Re: A Vampyre Legacy

Post by Tolly12bells on Sat 22 Jan 2011, 11:47 am

Oh my God... Way to leave the ending with a cliffhanger. This is great! And never be nervous about posting stories. Nobody here is going to insult you, and you have real talent. Smiley Keep writing!

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Re: A Vampyre Legacy

Post by Pipeman on Sat 22 Jan 2011, 1:07 pm

This chapter has already superseded the entire Twilight series! The abnormal hair colors are fairly creative and I'm excited about morbid Kalabar.
I too am nervous about posting anything, although Lauren's words of wisdom should decrease the feelings of dread somewhat. Hopefully your future chapters will be lengthier than this one!
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Re: A Vampyre Legacy

Post by WaywardWiccan on Sat 22 Jan 2011, 3:07 pm

Oh I do hope to make them a lot longer. Whenever I write a book I always make the first chapter short. Cause it's the hardest to write. Cause in the first chapter you have to describe people, talk about what's going on. So mine are always short. That way I can really get into the following chapters. I'll post the second chapter when it's done.

Thanks for the support! Very Happy
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Re: A Vampyre Legacy

Post by Tolly12bells on Sun 23 Jan 2011, 6:02 pm

I agree with the first chapter being the hardest... Then you always have to be careful not to overwhelm the reader with characteristics and you have to get all your world-building done. You've done a lovely job with this chapter. And I'm with Maddie. This bypasses the Twilight series by a football field already.

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Re: A Vampyre Legacy

Post by Mercury on Sun 23 Jan 2011, 7:43 pm

I've never read or had any interest in Twilight so unlike the others, I can't make the comparison XD But this IS really good. Keep it up.
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